So I’m going to be very transparent today. For the past 4 months, I have been going through the after effects of a breakup. I think after a breakup, the biggest question that you’re constantly asking yourself is, what I did wrong or what’s wrong with me. Of course I did the same but ultimately you just have to accept what has happened and do your best to move on and be happy. That’s what I decided to do. I also wanted to just take some time to get back to me. The last three years saw me in a long term relationship, a pregnancy, motherhood, and now single mommy hood. Needless to say, I changed a lot during that time. So I’ve been spending my time trying to figure out who this newly single Daneisha is. What makes her happy? What does she want? What are her next steps in life? I just want to take care of myself and make sure that I am feeding my mind, body, and soul positivity. I’ve been doing that by having a lot of me time (or as much as I can being that I have a very needy 1 1/2 year old who needs all of my attention) and doing things that are replenishing to my soul. It’s been very helpful so I decided to share it with you. These activities can be used to help you no matter what you have been going through. I mean just think about it. Have you ever been fired or turned down from a job that you really felt like you deserved? It can be quite devastating and you may start to doubt yourself and your abilities. Well my advice is, don’t wallow in depression. Don’t beat yourself up. Move on and spend some time trying to better yourself and prepare for the next opportunity that may come your way. When that new opportunity (be it a job or a new boo) comes, you will be prepared for it and you will be the best person for it. Below I have listed some things that I have been doing to better myself and prepare myself for the next “opportunity”.
1. Try a new do.
If you go back through my blog posts, you can probably guess around the time my breakup took place. See here. Breakups/firings can really make you feel like you have no control of your life. I think that’s one of the main reasons that I cut my hair. I needed to feel like I was in control again. Plus I just wanted something different, new, and exciting. When I got to the salon, my hairdresser was shocked to find out that not only did I want a new do, but I wanted a “shortcut”. She was happy to oblige! When she turned me around to face the mirror after the cut, I was so happy! I immediately felt like the real me had awoken. It was an amazing feeling. There was this confidence that I hadn’t felt in a long time. I felt beautiful and free. It was so elating! I think that when you are in a relationship where you don’t feel appreciated or you’re working at a job where you don’t appreciated, it can really break your spirit. So when jobs/relationships end, it’s important to do things that will put that smile back on your face. A haircut is symbolic. It represents cutting off the old you and embracing the new you. That’s what it meant for my anyway. I haven’t slowed down since.
Before my breakup, my life was all about my relationship. I think this applies to some people in relation to their careers as well. We spend so much time focusing on other people and things around us that we forget about ourselves. No matter what is going on in life, you have to take care of yourself physically, mentally, spiritually, etc. So when I say “pamper” yourself, I mean pamper your physical, mental, and spiritual self. One way that I pamper myself is by taking nice hot baths and just relaxing in the tub for a few minutes. I light my candles, pour some lavender-scented bath salts in the water, turn on some old school R&B, and sip a little wine for a few minutes.
This is actually more than physical pampering; It soothes you mentally as well. I’m a music lover. Music literally heals my soul; so it really is important that I use it as a form of therapy. Choose some of your favorite music to listen to while relaxing. It works wonders!
Pampering yourself is also about taking care of yourself. That means working out and eating healthy. All of these things are important because they help to get your mind right so that you will be prepared for the great things that are coming.
One way that I am working on my spiritual self is by taking about 10 or 15 minutes every morning to sit down and meditate. Meditation really calms my soul and it allows me to take a few minutes a day to just have a moment of silence. Whenever I finish meditating, I always feel more positive, less stressed, and at peace. Mantra and Meditation by Pandit Usharbudh Arya is a great book for those who want to practice meditation.
This has been the hardest one for me because I’m not really one to talk about my feelings to others. However, I believe it’s important to get all of your thoughts out. It allows you to release all of those emotions and begin the process of healing and moving on to something better. There are plenty of options when it comes to people that you can talk to. You can talk to a family member or friend (this is free). But if you’re more private and you don’t feel comfortable talking to someone you know, I would suggest finding a good therapist. Therapists are usually more professional and unbiased. And because you’re paying them, they have to listen to you and give you an honest opinion. My last suggestion for those who just don’t feel like talking to anyone is to keep a journal to record your thoughts. The most important thing is getting it all out.
5. Take the time to reflect.
After every break up that I’ve gone through, I always ask myself what part I had in causing the breakup. This helps me to acknowledge my faults, resolve to fix those flaws, and become a better person. This process of reflection allows me to ensure that I don’t make the same mistakes again. These same steps work after being fired from a job. Instead of dwelling on the fact that you were just fired, spend some time reflecting on how you can become better so that when that next job comes along, you will be perfect for it. Some questions to ask yourself are: Why wasn’t I right for the job? Or why wasn’t the job wasn’t right for me? What role did I play in ending this relationship? What can I do differently in the next one? How can I fulfill my own desires and potential?
6. Read a few inspirational books.
2. You are a Badass: How to Stop Doubting Your Greatness and Start Living an Awesome Life by Jen Sincero
3. Own it: The Power of Women at Work by Sallie Krawcheck
4. Settle for More by Megyn Kelly
2. Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance by Angela Duckworth
3. Successful Women Think Differently by Valerie Burton (I actually started this one but didn’t finish)
4. Love and Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs by Emerson Eggerichs
5. The Seven Spirtual Laws of Success by Deepak Chopra
If you haven’t already, SET SOME GOALS! Goals are so important because they give you something to look forward to and they help with self-growth. I feel that as long as I have goals that I’m working towards, I’m never stagnant in life. They help me to become a better me. The time spent in relationships and at different companies can cause you to forget about the things that you wanted before you got into that situation. It’s extremely important that you reassess what you want out of life and make some plans to achieve those new goals. The Mastery Journal is one of my favorite planners that has helped me assess my goals and hold myself accountable for achieving them.